Breathing in, I am aware that I have spent 44 years in this human form.
Breathing out, grateful.
44!
One year: 31, 536,000 seconds. 525,600 minutes. Times 44.
How many of them was I mindful?
How many of them was I present for?
How many of them did I live deeply?
This is 44:
44 is a lovely number, a nice round number. Symmetrical. A numerical palindrome. An angel number, as my friend Uzma reminded me.
I like it.
44 should have songs about it (I couldn’t find any upon searching - do you know of any?). Maybe I’ll write one later, after I’ve lived into it more.
44 feels firmly in the middle. If I’m lucky, if I get to live a long life, it is in the middle. But the average life expectancy of US Americans is now 76.4 , according to the CDC, which means for most people, it is actually way beyond middle.
At 44, you’ve lived long enough to lose a lot and to know that nothing is guaranteed. You can see the lifetimes you have lived in these 44 years. Thich Nhat Hanh talks about how you can’t say you’re the same person you were when you were a child or teenager, but you also can’t say you are not the same. Both are true, neither are completely true. I am the same person born on April 24, 1979, and I am also different, down to nearly every cell in my body. You are grateful for each one, even/especially the hard ones (and each one is usually some combination of mud and lotus, some muddier or more flowery than others. No mud, no lotus, as Thich Nhat Han also reminds us).
The years since 2020 have involved a lot of mud for all of us. For me, this past year was a big lotus blossom (still growing from the mud, mind you!).
I love birthdays, as reflection points, as reasons to celebrate being alive and enjoying the things I love in life. I have found as a mom, it is very hard to get the celebrations into one day, so I have really begun to make it more about birthday week/month, and spreading the joy out over some days so that I make happen most of what I really want (and realistically cannot do in a day). I was so thoroughly celebrated by my friends, family, students, and colleagues this year, which made me feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the exquisitely vast and meaningful web of relationships in my life. I enter this year of 44 feeling adored, adorned, cherished, appreciated, seen, and deeply loved, and I cannot fully put into words the gift that it is to feel that way!
Reflections on a Year
This was 43:
The year of 43 was living into my dreams. 43 was a gift, a leveling up (I mean this as non-hierarchically as possible).
43 was the year I finished my doctorate and added a few fancy letters after my name (PhD). The year I became Dr. Stephanie, my second favorite name to Mama.
On my 43rd birthday, I called in the next steps on my vocational path, which turned out to be returning to UPEACE as resident faculty, which is without a doubt where I am supposed to be at this exact moment. It is living a dream.
During the year of being 43, I went to the International Institute for Peace Education in Mexico, my first long trip away from Daphne, first international travel since the pandemic started. It was a game changer in so many ways, and I made new lifelong friendships that I treasure on a daily basis. I moved to Costa Rica. I left Colorado, which was such a good home to us for 4 years. I got a lot of writing out into the world (including my dissertation, the Ecoversities publication, this Substack - thank you for being here! :), and started lots of other writing projects that will be coming out in the coming months.
I made a lot of magic.
Hopes and Dreams for a Year
As I enter 44, I am thinking about what my body needs now that is different than 24 or 34. It definitely feels like it needs some different things, and at 44 I would like to figure out what those things are.
I don’t fully know what 44 has in store - we never can! As I enter this year, I hold the following plans, aspirations, and intentions (which I am mostly naming because I believe words have power and that it is worth saying these intentions and aspirations out loud - thank you for listening!):
This week I am at the Re-Imagining Education Conference (online) and the AATH conference (in Mesa), and I know this will be a ripe time of new and old connections and collaborations and inspiration. As I send this, it is the first official day of both, and it already is - more to follow on that :)
I will attend the graduation ceremony for my PhD program. Theoretically the last time I will graduate (I am not placing bets on that though! lol).
I will write a lot and be public with my writing. I have some writing in the pipeline that will be coming out into the world. And I plan to spend my non-teaching “summer” months (June/July) writing (and reading) as much as I possibly can.
I want to get more spoken things out into the world. I was inspired by the Instagram reel my friends at Ecoversities created of the Findings Poem of my dissertation. Then more recently, when I wrote an article for a publication about re-enchanting education, I wrote a spell as part of it, and the guest editor Vanessa Meng (whose work you should check out!) asked if I would record an audio version of it. I had so much fun doing this. I have recorded a lot of guided meditations over the years, just on my phone in the voice memos app. I think you can expect more of this this year.
I want to work on some creative projects. I have an intro to mindfulness booklet I created before the pandemic that I might turn into something. For a few years, I have been dreaming of offering an end-of-year course/workshop, and would really like to make it happen this year. I also got really inspired while working on this re-enchanting education piece, and would love to offer some sort of container (workshop?) around it, so stay tuned for those, and I REALLY welcome feedback on any of those.
I will study Spanish more. Tengo que mejorarlo!
I want to learn Canva (it doesn’t seem that hard, but I have not had the chance or time to put much energy and attention to it. My students do amazing and beautiful things with it, and I need to catch up! And also feel like it would be a creative outlet and support to my work).
I will make more magic. I will keep dreaming.
An oath/vow to myself upon turning 44
I will be as true to myself as I possibly can be.
I will adorn myself to communicate fierceness, power, and magic.***
I will trust my intuition like the intelligent guide and compass that it is.
I will follow the glimmers of my life and attend to them.
I will make as much magic as I possibly can in this life.
I will love as deeply and expansively as I possibly can.
I will share as generously as I possibly can.
I will not waste any time shrinking, holding back, or being anything less than the fullest expression of myself.
I will stand in and harness my power for the greatest good.
I will continue living into questions and living into dreams as long as I get to keep living.
***shoutout to The Oracle of LA for this inspiration.
A reflection question for you, dear reader: What is an oath you can make to yourself today?
Thank you for joining me in reflecting, and thank you for listening to the things I need to say out loud!