Doing and not doing
A little reflection on energy and choice, and happy pride
How are you doing right now?
How is your body, mind, heart, spirit?
How is your energy?
How are you spending your precious energy these days?
Today I wanted to share a reflective exercise I did in a webinar for the Emancip8 Project last week in a two-part series on self-care and community care (link to slides). The exercise is about taking stock of how we spend our energy, how much choice we have around that, and thinking about how we might do more of what nourishes us (including doing nothing! :) and less of what doesn’t (when possible - it’s not always possible).
For context, I developed this exercise for a group of global peacebuilders, and was invited to share about how we sustain ourselves in the work of building peace. I prefer organic and agricultural metaphors for peace, like cultivating, as I find this work is much more like the wiley and wild vines of the rainforest growing every which way, than it is about linear stacked blocks neatly placed to make something tangible, concrete. We also talked about self-care this on a spectrum from experiencing burnout, to sustaining ourselves, to thriving, and how it’s a process, a practice, is non'-linear, and needs community.
We opened with The Keep Going Song by the Bengsons, which touches me deeply every time I listen to it:
Here is the reflective mind-heartstorming exercise (mind-heart because I encourage you to not just think about this but to sense and feel into the questions with your body, in the spirit of sentipensar, feeling-thinking). We started with a very simple x-y axis of energy and choice:
On the vertical axis of energy, you might think about it as “what fills your cup” or “what charges your battery.” Use a metaphor that is helpful to you.
On the horizontal axis, we have choice. This leads us to:
Now you can brain-heartstorm the categories:
Things that give you energy but you can’t do right now for whatever reason (such as health, time, money, logistics, support, etc.). For me right now, this looks like a retreat, going to see live music, and having more alone time. These are things you would like to do but don’t have much choice around at the moment.
Things that give you energy that you can choose to do more of: This is where you have the ability to do them and a lot of choice. For me this looks like spending more time creating. You can also put things in this category of things you already do, you choose to do, and you are happy with the amount you are doing them.
Things that drain your energy but you don’t have much choice around: these are obligations or relationships that you can’t avoid, or conditions in your life that aren’t easy or currently possible to change.
Things that drain your energy that you can choose to do less of or eliminate: be kind to yourself here. You don’t necessarily need to stop watching Netflix or get off of social media. But would going to bed earlier be helpful? Watching one episode instead of two? Less scrolling?
There are also things to think about beyond the chart, such as:
Things you enjoy but maybe also need to let go of - sometimes we need to let go of things we like, just because we have a limited amount of time and energy in our days. These might be things that you’ve been doing for a while that you have grown out of, or it’s time to move on from, or things that you need to say no too in order to say yes to other things. Our NOs make room for our YESs.
Things that fill your cup that you already do enough of - just because we enjoy something, doesn’t mean we need to do more of it. If you already have a daily meditation practice or exercise routine, and you are happy with the frequency of it in your life, then just keep going! We don’t need to do more of everything.
For each category, you might also want to think of different aspects of your being, such as physical, emotional, mental, relational, spiritual.
Part 2 is strategizing. The questions become:
Top left: How can I plan to do this in the future? What support do I need to make this happen? This could be saving money, putting it on the calendar for next summer, finding childcare or a support person to make it happen. Or maybe even adapting your expectations of it to something you could do now. While it can’t necessarily happen now, what can you do now to take steps so that you can do it in the not-too-distant future? While I can’t go on a week-long retreat, could I figure out a way to do a half-day?
Top right: How can I do more of this or make sure I am doing it regularly/daily? I don’ think this requires too much explanation - what do you want to do more of? For me this is creative practice, writing and singing and also taking in more art and poetry.
Bottom right: What can I let go of or commit to decreasing? For me (and I imagine is true for many!), this includes scrolling and watching shows. And for me, this doesn’t mean I am giving up social media or streaming, it just means I am trying to recalibrate my relationship to it, having a reasonable time set that I am willing to engage with it, and try to stick to that. The great thing about this category is that when we decrease the time we spend doing something that is draining us, it generally gives us more energy for the things that fill us up!
Bottom left: (How) can I change my relationship to this? This is probably the most challenging one, and not necessarily always possible. Is it possible to change your relationship to it/them? Some questions and strategies:
-Can I minimize or lessen this somehow?
-Can I set a boundary?
-Can I bring more mindfulness, playfulness, and/or acceptance to the situation?
And one more, that applies to both left quadrants: do I have as little choice as I think I do? Or put another way: might I have more choice than I think I have?
That last question can feel both like “ouch” and liberating, and was my biggest realization as I was doing this exercise for myself. It also won’t apply to everything. But to give you an example:
I have a need for alone time (top left quadrant), something that, for me as a full-time working solo parent, is in the “can’t do much about it now but is on my wish list” category. I was sharing with a friend that logistically it felt impossible to make this happen, and she said, “Well, you could make it happen. You could pick Daphne up from school later and get a little time to yourself after you finish work. But you choose to pick her up earlier.”
And she was right. This was a big a-ha moment for me - I had felt like I had no choice, but realized I was choosing something in this situation. Parenting is so much about balancing your own needs with your child’s (balancing isn’t quite the right word - it’s more like getting enough of your own needs met that you are functional, but almost always letting go of some needs). I was choosing to pick her up earlier than I needed to (3 or 4 when the school closes at 5) because I felt guilty about leaving her there for so long, because a 10-hour day seemed too long for me.
I still pick her up before 5, often between 3-4. But I have been experimenting with going a little later some days, and giving myself a little time at home before I pick her up, as I am doing right now as I write this :) And there is something that has lightened in realizing that this was a choice I was making, and that in this case, I can choose differently, and to make that decision consciously.
Finally, you are left with things you can do later, do more (or enough!) of, do less of, and do differently (maybe :).
And finally, once you have gone through all the brain-heartstorming, you might come up with a vow, commitment, or affirmation that encapsulates your findings. My current one is:
I am devoted to my vocation, magic, and creativity
And their potency,
Which I honor with responsibility.
In practice, this is looking like trying to reduce screentime and make space for more creative time. Particularly, I am trying to reclaim screen-free morning time, which I was very disciplined about pre-motherhood, but which shifted when sleep schedules shifted. Now that my daughter is 5, I am finding there are some things I had forgotten about that I am returning to, which is a joy.
I am spending my precious energy in a lot of meaningful ways these days - doing work I truly love and enjoy, walking and biking to campus, spending time with Daphne, connecting with people I care about. I am spending a lot of time writing this year, which was an aspiration, and yet I would still love to write more. For me this exercise offered a few subtle recalibrations, helping to remind me of what feels important to be spending my time doing (and not doing), and remembering that sometimes I have more choice than I might think I do.
I hope this was helpful! If you try it out, let me know what you come up with in the comments below. And I welcome any feedback on the exercise itself. It’s a work in progress.
I am sending this on the last day of June, and want to wish everyone a happy pride month! Daphne and I had a beautiful day marching with the UPEACE community in the Costa Rica Pride March in San Jose on June 25th.
LGBTQIA+ rights are under attack in the US (and many other places), with the latest enraging Supreme Court ruling - along with the atrocious ruling striking down affirmative action - being announced as I prepare to hit send on this. These attacks are literally costing lives. The first pride was a riot, and it is more important than ever to be firm about where we stand and to do everything we can to protect and uplift queer and trans rights and lives. Write to your representatives to speak up for LGBTQIA+ rights and supportive legislation, donate to LGBTQIA+ organizations, and support your local LGBTQIA+ artists, makers, and business owners, like my friend Jess Kranz who has, among other beautiful things, a very awesome QUEER ALL YEAR print available in their Etsy shop.
As Jess said in their original post about this print:
Parades and special events and flags for a month are great but so are basic human rights, every day.
And as queer astrologer extraordinaire (and creator of the CHANI app, which I definitely need to devote and entire post to someday) Chani Nicholas said:
Pride is meant to be a pushback, a rebellion against any and eveything that denies our diverse and collective flourishing.
In that spirit, Happy Pride, every day <3 May we devote our precious energy to our diverse and collective floushing <3
